by a l i

Yes, I have been quiet. My heart has not spoken in a while.

Yes, I have been speaking, saying, listening and stating. Yet, I have been observing, compiling, gathering and reflecting. I have seen the inner and bare reality of sin and virtue. I have understood the tricks of the ego. I have seen the “other” that lives within. The whisperers that will never quit. The soul that will forever seek. The spirit that will never fail. The ego that will not decline. I have been available yet in seclusion. I have been noisy, yet so quiet.

I have prayed and prayed and defined prayer many times. I seek, yes.. I do. I have put all my knowledge on one side. I have lost the words of wisdom I so beautifully wrote and said. I am so humbled. I am in humility and in awe. I am distressed at times and too much at peace sometimes. I have sinned, repented and claimed to have risen above sin and then sinned again to repent again and then claim again only to be humiliated by my own self once again. I have called it sin, it may not be so in reality though. I have called something good, and it may have only boosted my ego…

I have been through the test of deprivation and the test of fulfillment. I have imagined death and stood in silence for judgment on a day we all know will come…

Lord! I stand before you feeling only this: The longing for your mercy and my extreme.. humility.